


Best Laid Plans

by ashkatom



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-09
Updated: 2012-04-09
Packaged: 2017-11-03 07:46:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/379013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashkatom/pseuds/ashkatom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Psi tries to figure out why Signless is so grumpy, concludes it is a lack of pailing, and tries to set him up with a grabby orangeblood. Everything then goes horribly, horribly right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Laid Plans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RobotSquid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobotSquid/gifts).



— twofoldAbolitionist has created memo ‘2uper 2ecret memo 2l wiill never 2ee becau2e ii’m way two attached two my liimb2 two let hiim’—  
TA has banned CG from reading memo  
TA has banned CG from responding to memo  
TA: ok guy2  
TA: ii can’t be the only one who’2 notiiced 2l ii2 grumpy a2 fuck lately  
AC: :CC he hasn’t b33n sh33thing his claws lately  
TA: that wa2 a 2tretch  
TA: but anyway  
TA: doe2 anyone know when he la2t got paiiled  
AC: ://  
GA: Psiionic This Doesn’t Seem An Appropriate Conversation For A Memorandum  
GA: Also You Are His Moirail  
GA: If Anyone Knows It Should Be You  
TA: ye2 but my poiint ii2 that ii don’t know!  
TA: and he and dc 2topped 2eeiing each other age2 ago  
TA: ii thiink we need two get hiim laiid before he explode2  
GA: You Know Not Everyone Is As Obsessed With Pailing As You Are  
GA: He Could Just Be Under Stress From The Sudden Influx Of Followers He Has Received  
AC: i think purrhaps you’re ofurthinking this, psi ://  
AC: but it’s sw33t of you to care!  
TA: ii’m ju2t 2ayiing  
TA: iif you guy2 don’t want two help that’2 fiine  
TA: ii’m the be2t wiingman anyway  
TA: ju2t wanted two 2ee iif you guy2 had noticed hiim beiing a bulgeliicker lately  
GA: Well  
GA: Yes  
AC: defurnitely :((  
TA: ok  
TA: ii’ve got thii2  
TA ceased responding to memo  
GA: Oh Dear  
AC: :// maybe we should have told him?  
GA: It’s In Their Hands Now

\--

You are the PSIIONIC, known to your friends as PSI and to your admirers as OOH PSI OOH. Lately your MOIRAIL has been getting REALLY FUCKING GRUMPY at you for NO REASON. Tonight is the night you are the best moirail. Tonight, you fix this.

Tonight, you GET SIGNLESS LAID.

You have determined this is the necessary course of action because of two reasons. One: Pailing always makes you feel better! And two: He has always been jealous of your prowess with the ladies, gentlemen, and lovely trolls of indeterminate gender. What can you say? Mack Twofold is a powerful thing. And that is what makes you the perfect wingman for the job.

Normally, you wouldn’t be able to get Signless to leave whatever hive you’re staying in for love nor money, due to his overwhelming practicality re: his blood colour and culling drones. Even his sermons are as covert as possible. However, you have planned ahead.

It’s absolutely not creepy at all that you’ve been planning for this eventuality. You are simply the best moirail there is!

When you knock on the door of his respiteblock, it takes a minute before he yanks it open. He’s still half-asleep and you obviously woke him up, because his hair is sticking up more than normal and his cloak is actually separated from his body. For the longest time, you were convinced it was some sort of strange symbiote.

“What?” he growls, only he’s too asleep for it to come out as anything legible. Luckily, you are well-trained in the art of deciphering Signless sleep-talk, and you realise that, ‘MRGH,’ actually means, ‘Psi, I am so happy to see you, come in and tell me what’s on your mind!’

You grab him by the waist and do a quick two-step over to the padded seating block, dragging him with you. He follows in a confused, I-haven’t-had-my-coffee-yet-and-I’m-not-entirely-sure-you’re-real daze, but when you plonk him on your lap and start brushing his hair with your fingers he wakes up fully.

“Psi, the fuck?”

“Shooooosh,” you say, and pull a small case out of your pocket. “Here, put these on.”

He takes the case and opens it. Inside are some contact lenses you had custom-made for him by an understanding optometerrorist. It’s almost a stroke of luck that his eyes are so light – you managed to get him higher on the haemospectrum that way. The contacts are lime, what he would have been had he not suffered a mutation.

“ _Psi_.”

“No arguments.” You shove lightly at his back until he trudges off to the ablutions chamber. It’s lucky you caught him waking up, he’s much more likely to go along with your plans if his logic centre’s a bit fuzzy.

He comes back wearing the contacts and wow, that’s odd.

…Kind of hot, if you’re being honest. Kind of _really hot_. Whoever benefits from your wingmanning tonight is going to be a lucky troll. You waggle your eyebrows at him, only to receive an overly-firm facepap for your supportiveness.

“Is there a reason I’m apparently a limeblood tonight?” His entire stance takes on an air of determination. “I’m not ashamed of who I am.”

Okay. This will make or break your plan.

You pull him back down into your lap and rest your chin in the dip of his shoulder the way he likes. “SL, don’t take thith the wrong way, okay? But you’ve been kind of bitchy lately. Tho I’m going to take you out and we’ll have a good time.”

“Maybe I don’t want to go out.” He sulks and shrugs his shoulder, but you stay where you are.

“Maybe you need to!” you say implacably. “Ath wonderful ath my company ith, you need to meet thome new trollth who don’t worship the ground you walk on.”

He sighs, executes a flawless Facepalm x1, and gives in. “I don’t have any lime shit to wear.”

You grin and decaptchalogue a limeblood outfit. You had to pretend one of Signless’ followers was your matesprit and nick his symbol when you bought it, but it’s all for the greater good. Signless equips the outfit with a minimum of whining, and you’re good to go!

\--

“How do you even know about this place?” Signless is practically your shadow as you walk down the street, and he keeps making reflexive motions like he wants to tug his cape around him. You keep telling him that he just looks like a slightly crazy limeblood, but it’s to no avail. Hopefully he’s not this clingy when you get where you’re going.

“Thomeone hath to let interethted trollth know you’re in town,” you shrug.

“At a club?”

You laugh. “Lotth of contact, SL!”

He grabs your arm. “Psi, I don’t know how to dance!”

You wave a hand dismissively. “You can thtrife, you can danthe.”

He looks kind of disappointed.

“Fine, I’ll show you,” you groan. “But you can’t thtick to me all night.”

The disappointment goes away, to be replaced with the beginnings of a smirk. Small victories.

\--

The music thumps through your skeletal structure when you walk in, dragging Signless by the elbow. He’s only been out with you a couple times, usually preferring his books and a pile to crowds and a pail. You weave your way through the dancefloor with ease straight to the centre, because you feel kind of uneven if you spend your time on one side of the floor. A few familiar faces wave to you and you wave back, noting to yourself the ones that you should shove Signless at later.

He tugs on your sleeve. You can’t hear him over the music, but his expression is classic _what the fuck now?_

So you show him.

After a bare moment of you dancing he joins in, and he’s surprisingly good. Practicing with his scythe has given him a decent sense of timing, and the non-violent martial art Dolorosa started him on after the last time he lost his temper has made him flexible and sinuous. He mirrors your actions without getting too creative, but you can definitely see a few admiring glances thrown his way.

Phase 1: Complete.

\--

GA: Do You Think They Have Caused A Scene Yet  
AC: :||a hmmmm  
AC: no  
AC: the purrlicktics of the situation are complickated  
AC: and signless is purretty silly sometimes!  
GA: So Another Half Hour Then  
AC: maybe an hour if he mewses ofur his plan of attack  
GA: I Should Probably Get Some Icepacks Ready  
AC: purrobably!

\--

After ten minutes of dancing, enough to know that your protégé isn’t going to trip over his own feet and embarrass you, you spin Signless into the arms of an orangeblood you know to get a bit grabby. He looks kind of panicked, but hey, baby flapbird has to leave the nest sometime! Someone comes up behind you and wraps their arms around you to move your hips, and maybe you’re a wingman tonight but you can still have a little fun.

You’ve danced with six trolls and gotten trollhandles for two of them when Signless marches up to you, grabs you by the collar, and pulls you into a quiet corner. Quiet is relative, really, it just means that you can hear each other if you shout.

“Psi, we have to leave! Now!”

“What?” You grab his shoulder and push him behind you. “Did thomeone recognithe you?”

“Of course not!” Signless throws his hands up in the air. “I look like a limeblood! That’s the problem!” He sees your confused look, because he leans in and yells, “Your fucking orangeblood wants to pail me!”

You start laughing. “No need to get your pantieth in a twitht SL, I can get mythelf back to the hive.”

“You fucking idiot!” He shakes you by the shoulders, which is a pretty ridiculous move and shows how frustrated he is. “My eyes might be green, but my genetic material isn’t, you stupid, lispy, hornsucker!”

Oh. “Shit. I didn’t think thith out too well,” you say. “Maybe she wouldn’t notithe?”

He gapes. “Wouldn’t noti- You fuckass, are you trying to get me pailed?”

“Well, duh!” You rest your hands on his shoulders and look into his eyes seriously. Now is pale time. You are, without a doubt, the most perceptive and self-sacrificing moirail. “SL, I pity you, but jeguth gritht you’ve been horrible lately. I jutht want you to feel better.”

“Some of us don’t solve our problems with pailing!”

“Maybe some of us should!”

He winds his fingers through your hair. For a moment you think he’s going to headbutt you, and the last time he did that you ended up with a broken nub so you kind of flinch a bit. Instead of bestowing you with the annoyance of trying to get your nub to heal symmetrically, he pulls your head down until your lips meet his.

He’s soft about it, cupping the back of your head with one hand and pressing against your lower back with the other. For all his intensity, it only lasts a few moments until he pulls away, regret tinged with panic across his face, and that is definitely not an expression you want someone to have after kissing you.

“I can’t. Okay? I don’t want to pail anyone el- anyone.” He hunches his shoulders and walks past you, in the direction of the exit. “So fuck you. Leave off.”

Okay. This is not good. Phase 2: _total quadrantgeddon._

You are the worst, least perceptive moirail. Signless is walking away from you and you can’t let him, he’s always been there for you, from the moment you escaped into the desert and passed out to die, through every single quadrant drama you’ve had (and there have been a lot, you have to admit), and he’s torn up inside, you can tell, you have to help him through this because if you don’t you will be crowned Biggest Jerk on Alternia and have to rip that title from the Condesce’s cold, dead hands.

You shove your way through the crowd, trying to not hyperventilate. Signless is already halfway down the street by the time you get outside. You abandon the thought of running and fly to him instead, crashing into his back as you wrap your arms around him. He staggers, but you hold him upright.

“Get off!” he snarls.

“You’re mine,” you reply, and wrap your arms around him tighter. “I’m not letting you go.”

“I just told you, you nookleaving, I can’t fucking deal with your shit any- _what_.” His voice rises an octave at the end as he yelps. “I’m not _yours_ , bucket-tipper!”

You turn him around and take his face in both hands, tilting his chin up so he looks at you. “That’th awkward, becauthe I’m pretty sure I’m yourth.”

This is twice you’ve made him gape in one day! If feelings revelations get this much reaction every time you’re going to have to do it more often.

\--

AC: oh noooo :CC  
AC: it’s b33n furever  
AC: i hope they haven’t murdered each other  
GA: Don’t Be Silly  
GA: Signless Is Probably Just Looking For A Place To Hide The Body

\--

“You’re not serious,” Signless says flatly.

You hoist him up with psionics so you’re both floating in mid-air. He grabs at you reflexively and you let him, because you’d never let him fall. You contemplate telling him that, since it seems to be the moment for sappy drivel, but instead you just hold his waist supportively.

“I am tho theriouth right now,” you inform him in your serious voice. “I jutht didn’t know, SL, I thwear, I thought you were jutht pithy becauthe you haven’t had a concupithent quadrant thinthe DC.”

He rolls his unnatural green eyes. “Thanks. Some of us don’t need a pail jammed between our thighs every five minutes to be fulfilled, Psi.”

You snicker. He hits you and flushes. Seeing his familiar red, even filtered through layers of skin, is surprisingly comforting.

“So what now?” He twists a bit, and now that it’s totally okay to do so you can’t help but watch the muscles under his shirt as he moves. “Can we get down? I like solid ground.”

You pull him closer and kiss him, returning the favour twofold, with happiness instead of hopelessness. He squeaks before settling into the kiss. When he hesitantly begins tracing his hands up your sides, you decide that it’s a really good thing the street you’re on is so empty.

He pulls away, and you’re about to tug him back when he lowers his head and licks along one of the tendons of your neck. It’s light, but enough to make you shudder and fist your hand in his hair. His eyes go unfocused for a moment when you pull enough to stimulate the sensitive nerves at the base of one of his horns. You kiss his forehead, the tip of his nub, each of his cheeks before he can focus again and draw you into a deeper kiss, his tongue flicking across your lips. He does everything lightly, softly, and it’s driving you mad.

You pull him closer, until there’s no room between you. He’s warmer than he has any right to be, and when you coax his lips open with your tongues, the way he moans and slides against you has you crushing him to you even further. You can feel every move his body is making and-

Signless pulls away from you, panting. “We need to-”

“-find a room?” you finish. “Yeth. _Yeth_.” You pick up his legs and rocket into the air, ignoring his yelp but enjoying the way he clings to you. Before long you spot a payhive and land in front of it, staggering a bit before Signless drags you in by the hand. His fingers interlock with yours and it’s nice to be half of a whole.

The payhive clerk is about to gouge you on the price before he sees Signless’ fake-lime eyes, swallows, and states something a lot lower than the price list behind him. You fish money out of your pockets and snatch up the key before Signless pulls you off again. Both of you laugh over how highblooded he is until you get in the room and he pushes you against the wall, attacking your neck while pulling off your shirt.

You raise your hands in surrender, letting him pull your shirt off entirely. “Tho highblooded of you! I may thwoon.”

He rolls his eyes and takes a step back to strip off his shirt as well. He’s lean, muscled in a flexible way, and this isn’t the first time you’ve seen him shirtless but it’s the first time he’s been shirtless for you. You are in danger of actually swooning.

“Quit staring,” he grumbles, folding his arms.

You lean forward and kiss him, putting a little electricity behind it. The squeak you get is adorable and you have to kiss him again to see if he keeps doing it. Somehow the two of you end up on the padded piling platform – who are you kidding, these things are only ever used for pailing – and when Signless slides his hands down your chest and stops at the button of your pants, you pull back.

“What?”

You take his hands and squeeze briefly before letting go. “Thtop freaking out. I’m going to get the pail.”

His eyes widen. “What the fuck, Psi, you are not pailing me with some creepy hotel pail.”

You wince. “Don’t thay hotel, you thound like DR and she ith the latht troll I want to think of right now.”

Signless shoves one of the pillows over his face. Muffled, you can barely make out, “Uggggggh.”

You hook your fingers around the waistline of his pants and rub your thumbs in small circles on the edge of his hips. “And I don’t have a pail, tho it’th either creepy pail, you pull one out of your thylladex, or no pail.”

He throws his pillow at your face. You let it hit you. “Why would I have a pail? And why don’t you have one, you always have one!”

“Tho, no pail?” You tug lightly at his pants and he yelps. “Jeguth, SL, I’m not that kind of guy.”

“Then go get the stupid pail!” He shoves you in the stomach with a foot and you roll off him to get the pail. He watches you move hungrily, and you show off a bit even if you’re not really sure what about you being skin and bones attracts everyone.

He turns a million shades of red when you put the pail next to the padded platform. It is seriously adorable and you kind of want to shove the pail in his face to see if he can get any redder, but there’ll be plenty of time for that later.

“So…”

You start laughing, because he looks so awkward and to be honest you always thought that his default grumpy expression would stick no matter what he was doing. It’s kind of like a stranger is looking up at you, green eyes and red blush, but he’s definitely still your Signless.

He facepalms. “Laughter isn’t exactly the reaction I was hoping for.”

“Thorry.” You lie on top of him, folding your arms and resting your chin on top of them. “Tell me how to react, then, highblood. I’m all auricular thponge clotth.”

He cracks up at that, and hearing him happy is something that makes you stupidly happy. You’re both grinning when he props himself up to kiss you again. You let yourself get lost in the back-and-forth, he’s so _good_ at it, why haven’t you done this before. When he pulls off your pants and slides a hand down to press at your nook, you’re caught between a gasp and a groan. “SL!”

He continues to rub, and it’s a good thing you have psionics because you’re on top and your arms are kind of wobbling too much to support you on their own. He presses kisses into your neck and collarbones, nipping at you in between, you’re going to be covered in hickeys tomorrow and you don’t even care. He stretches to nip at the lobe of your ear, hesitates, then says, “Karcin.”

“Karwhat?” you ask between stuttering breaths. If he wants to talk to you he should really stop distracting you.

“Call me Karcin.” He moves his hand up and wraps it around your bulge and holy fuck you’ll call him anything he wants you to. “Or KC if you really have to stick to your two thing.”

You realise, suddenly, that he’s just given you his name. You never knew it. Even when you first ran into him he’d been Signless. He _would_ do something this important while you can’t even think properly. Drastic measures must be taken if you’re going to show your appreciation.

You grab his hands, stretch them up above his head, and pin them there with psionics. He looks mildly apprehensive but trusting, and when you kiss him the apprehension eases away.

“KC,” you say, your lips barely away from his. “I’m Pollux.” You kiss him again before he can respond and run your hands down his torso, teasing out nerve clusters and pressure points.  Before long, you follow your hands with your tongues, pausing to suck and bite at any points that make him gasp.

“Psi- Pollux, _please_.” He’s arched up in the most shameless display of neediness you’ve ever seen. Slowly, taking all the time in the world, you unbutton his pants and pull them down, along with his underwear. He’s fully unsheathed and his nook is dripping so hey, you must be doing something right.

You shuffle down a bit, hook his legs over your shoulders, and lick along his thigh. The cry you get in return is something you are going to remember _forever_. He drags you closer using just his legs, and you know you’re skinny but that was just uncalled for. Nonetheless, you do the same to his other thigh, and the way his legs tense and stomach tightens as he cries out again is just as memorable as the first time.

“Fuck, Pollux, quit teasing!”

“If that’th what you want,” you say, using a dubious tone to tease him further.

“If you don’t do _something_ , right now, I am going to- Ah!” He does his best to break your psionic bond, thrashing as you lick at his nook and add a little electricity besides. You’ve never known a troll to remain coherent after that and true to form, all Karcin can do is swear and squeeze his legs around you. It’s kind of an awkward position, your smaller horns digging into his knees, but neither of you seems to care that much.

When he regains his senses, he nudges at the small of your back with a foot until you move up so you’re face-to-face with him again. He’s flushed and sweaty, and you take a moment to rub your cheek against his affectionately.

“As brilliant a combination as your tongues and my nook is, I did kind of bring you here to pail.” He grinds his hips against yours, and you have no problems with that. “Do I have to go find a different lispy idiot to fulfil my sordid fantasies with?”

You waggle your eyebrows. “Thure, bring him back here and you can have a lithp thandwich.”

“Not sure I want to be in a threesome that has a nickname two-thirds of the participants can’t pronounce.”  He kisses you and wraps a leg around yours, giving you implicit permission, and you take it. He bites down on your bottom lip as you slide inside him, twisting your bulge as you do so. Karcin groans into your mouth and presses against you, and it’s like he was made for you.

“Pollux…”

“I got thith, KC.” You stroke the side of his face with your thumb before slipping a couple of fingers into his mouth and beginning to move. The way he moans and tongues at your fingers, swirling around the knuckles and flicking at the nails, has you moving faster, clawing at his hips with your free hand and biting everywhere you can reach to make him shudder under you. You’re not going to be the only one covered in hickeys, and the walk of ~~shame~~ pride tomorrow is going to be interesting. Hopefully he has a cloak captchaloggued.

You can feel yourself getting closer to coming, and from the way Karcin is writhing he’s not far off either. You get rid of the psionics pinning his hands back and pull him up until he’s sitting in your lap. He clutches at your hair as he kisses you, all finesse gone. Your hands are wrapped around his waist, moving him in rhythm as you scratch at his lower back, occasionally giving him a psionic zap to make him gasp your name. It’s either a plea or an admonition, and you don't even care which because when you do it he jerks his hips and takes you deep.

“Pollux, I’m gonna-” He cuts off as he grabs at you to stop you moving. “Get the pail, gog, I, I can’t-”

“Yeah,” you gasp out, because honestly you’re hanging on tooth and nail just to make sure he’s ready. You grab the bucket and shuffle until it’s positioned properly, Karcin’s needy whines distracting you the whole time. “You ready?”

“Fuck you, _please_ ,” he grinds out before you twist inside him for the last time. He says your name, over and over, and that’s enough to tip you over the edge too. Your mind goes blank, and that in itself is amazing, normally you can’t get your head to shut up but he just waltzed in and took over and you are _so_ okay with that.

It takes you a few minutes to be able to think again. Karcin is curled up against you, breathing heavily, head resting on your shoulder. You captchalogue the bucket because you really don’t want to deal with that right now.

Karcin eventually peels himself off you, and without him holding you in place you flop down onto the pile of pillows bonelessly. There’s a recuperacoon in the corner but there’s no way you have the energy to drag yourself over there. While you deliberate over the pros and cons of moving, Karcin stands up on shaky legs.

“What are you doing,” you groan at him. “Come back here.”

“I have to take these lenses out, my eyes feel like somebody poured acid in them.”

“Oh.” You roll over so you can actually see him. “Tell DR and DC we’ll be back tomorrow. DR will kill me if we don’t check in and she worrieth.”

Karcin picks up his pants and goes through the pockets. “I forgot my handheld communicator.”

You close your eyes. Pailing Karcin is exactly as exhausting as you thought it might be. “Tho use mine.”

He grabs your handheld communicator and disappears into the ablutions chamber. Several minutes later he comes back out, lenses abandoned for the candy-red you think might be prettier anyway. He tosses your communicator in the direction of your pants and climbs back onto the platform, snuggling into your side as he grabs a blanket. You kiss him gently, run a hand over the hickeys you gave him, and immediately fall asleep.

Phase 3: Unexpected success.

\--

TA has returned to the memo  
TA: YOU TRAITOROUS SCUM.  
AC: oh d33r :((  
GA: Oh No  
GA: Signless, Grub, Are You Okay  
GA: Do You Need Us To Come Find You  
GA: Have You Murdered Psiionic  
GA: And Did He Deserve It  
TA: …  
TA: NO.  
TA: WE’LL BE BACK AT THE HIVE TOMORROW.  
GA: Oh  
GA: Oh My  
AC: :33 yesssssss! i knew it!  
TA: YOU ARE CREEPY, TERRIFYING PEOPLE.  
TA: I LOVE YOU BOTH.  
GA: Yes Grub, We Love You Too  
AC: defurnitely!  
TA: SEE YOU TOMORROW.  
AC: or latpurr!  
TA: …  
TA has signed off.


End file.
